Travis Sky Ingersoll, PH.D., MSW, M.ED. - Social Work & Sexual Health Education/Consulting/Research
My Blog

How could a man want to have sex with a man, but doesn’t love him? And why would a man say he loves a woman, but doesn’t want to have sex with her? Why could this happen?


There may be many paths toward the possible truth in answering this series of questions. However, I feel it is important to offer some concrete possibilities.  It is possible for both men and women to have sex with people that they don’t love.  One-night stands and occasional hook-ups are a reality for many sexually active people throughout the world.  I’m not endorsing such behavior, rather I’m simply acknowledging that it happens.  I believe that the best sexual experiences involve intimacy, trust, open communication and spiritual connection; all of which are difficult to obtain in a one-night stand.
The second question could have multiple answers.  Perhaps the man is Asexual, or in other words, he has no sexual drive and/or attractions.  People who are Asexual are completely capable of being in love, however, they simply don’t want to have sex with anyone.  Another possibility involves the interpretation of the world “love.”  There are many kinds of love. There is the love one feels for one’s family members or children.  There is love people feel toward close friends.  There is the love people feel toward those they find inspiring. And there is even the love people feel for their pets. 
Although I’m simply guessing, the student who posed this series of questions may have had an experience where the man she was attracted to, or loved, was in fact either gay or bisexual.  If he was gay, then he may have a great deal of love for her, but since he isn’t sexually attracted to women, would not want to have sex with her.  If he was a bisexual man, he may have sexual attractions to both men and women, but not specifically towards her.  The man in question may simply feel companionate love toward her, which can be very powerful and intimate, just not sexual.
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