Answer: Healthy relationships are consensual,
non-exploitive, mutually pleasurable, safe, developmentally appropriate, based
on mutual expectations, caring and respectful. Any sexual relationship that
cannot be described in those terms should probably be carefully examined;
something may be wrong, possible very wrong! On US college campuses, approximately 20-25% of college
females become victims of an attempted or completed rape at some point during
their college career (American College Health Association, 2008). The
overwhelming majority of acts of attempted or completed rape will be
perpetrated by an acquaintance or a boyfriend of the victim, and not some
shadowy stranger lurking in a dark alleyway. Feminist theory interprets rape as a cultural phenomenon in
which a “rape culture” is created and maintained through a complex system of
beliefs encouraging males to be sexually aggressive and supports violence
against women (Buchwald et al., 1993).
Rape cultures are found anywhere in the world where masculinity is
narrowly defined with an emphasis on aggression, accumulating possessions
(including women), a devaluation of femininity, homophobia, and the belief that
women are innately inferior to men.
In such a culture, young men learn violence, and young women learn to
accept it.
Acquaintance rape, also known as date rape, is forced oral,
anal or vaginal sexual intercourse by someone the person knows and may even
have a romantic relationship with.
When a person is forced to have intercourse against her or his will,
regardless of whether it’s through physical force, emotional manipulation or
other forms of coercion, it is always considered rape or sexual assault.
Rape, whether perpetrated by a stranger, an acquaintance, or
a romantic partner, is an act of aggression that uses sex to show the victim
that the rapist has power over them.
One of the prevailing myths about rape and sexual assault is that it’s
about sexual desire. The belief is
that sometimes men just can’t control themselves. Men tend to let the head on their penis do more thinking
than the head on their necks right?
Wrong! Rape and sexual
assault, or any other kind of relationship violence has nothing to do with sex
or a man’s hormones, and everything to do with a need for power and control
over one’s victim(s). The media, through magazines, books, music and movies, often
suggests that women are turned on by the power and force of rape, and may even
fall in love with the rapist. This
couldn’t be further from the truth.
A victim of rape never experiences the act in a positive way, even in a
dating situation in which the beginnings of a sexual relationship was pleasant
(Advocates for Youth, 2011).
In the majority of cases, alcohol and/or drugs are involved
when acquaintance or relationship rape occurs. Being drunk or high makes women less able to set clear
sexual boundaries and men less inclined to listen to and/or abide by those
boundaries. Nothing a women does –
wearing certain clothing, using drugs or alcohol, going to “risky” places,
kissing and sexually touching or even having a sexual history with someone,
gives a person the right to force her to have sexual intercourse against her
will (Advocates for Youth, 2011). No one ever deserves to be sexually assaulted or raped. Sexual violence is never justified.
So how do we protect ourselves from sexual violence in our
relationships? One of the first
things we can do is be aware of the warning signs that an intimate partner may
be capable of being abusive, sexual and otherwise. The facts are that abusive romantic partners are possessive,
controlling, feel entitled, disrespect and feel superior to their partners,
confuse love with abuse, are manipulative, are always striving to have a good
public image, feel justified abusing others, and love to deny and minimize
their abusive behaviors. Intimate
partner violence grows from attitudes and values, not from feelings. “The roots
are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control”
(Bancroft, 2006).
Fortunately abusers are rather easy to identify since they
tend to exhibit very predictable, cyclical behaviors. Abusers often initially present themselves as knights in
shining armor, as saviors and/or protectors dedicated to rescuing their
“victims.” After the initial
“honeymoon phase,” in which the abuser devotes a lot of energy into being
romantic, buying gifts, and establishing themselves as an all around “good-guy”
to their partner and their partner’s friends and family, they begin to engage
in what is known as the Cycle of Violence. The cycle of violence has three stages. The first stage is “Tension Building.”
During tension building, everything the victim does seems to irritate
their partner. What the victim
doesn’t realize initially is that no matter what they do, no matter how careful
they are not to upset their partner, it will not change anything. The abuser will become increasingly
agitated and irritated at their victim; looking for reasons to explode. In this
stage the victim denies what is happening, excuses their partner’s behavior as
the result of some outside stress (work, studies, etc.); blames themselves for
the abuser’s behavior, and denies that the abuse will worsen. The abuser also denies being abusive by
blaming the tension on the victim, work, the traffic, or anything else, and may
get drunk or use drugs to deny any responsibility for the behavior.
The second stage is “Explosion” in which the abuser physically or emotionally harms their
victim. The victim often denies
the seriousness of their injuries, downplays the abuse, and avoids involving
the police or seeking medical care.
The victim may blame the abuse on their own actions, on their partner’s
drinking or drug habit, try to justify it due to their partner’s past or
present emotional problems, and if rape took place, will likely deny that a
sexual assault occurred because they and their partner are in an intimate
relationship. At this stage, the
abuser blames the victim as the cause of the abuse, citing things their victim
has said or done that had angered them, therefore forcing them to act in an
abusive way.
The third stage is the “Honeymoon” stage.
During this stage the abuser returns to the romantic, self-less behaviors
that lured in their victim at the beginning of the relationship. The abuser will typically express how
sorry they are, and may cry or appear depressed to demonstrate how remorseful
they feel about what they did.
Often the victim will be treated to gifts like flowers and romantic
meals as a token of their abuser’s sincerity that the abusive event was an
isolated incident, and will not happen again. Because of the efforts of their abuser, backed by the love and
hope of the victim, the victim will likely minimize their injuries (“It could
have been worse”) and will believe that their partner is going to change, and
that the abuse will not happen again. However, the Cycle of Violence is just that… a cycle.
After a “honeymoon” period, which may last weeks or even months, the
“tension building” stage begins again.
Again, the abuser becomes increasingly irritated by their victim, and
before long they once again “explode” and abuse their victim again, followed by
another “honeymoon” stage. Often,
as the abusive relationship continues, the “honeymoon” stage becomes shorter
and shorter, leading to a situation in which the victim’s life is ruled by
periods of tension building and abusive behavior.
In order to lessen the incidents of sexual violence and
abuse in relationships throughout society, the following are suggestions for
interventions at both the micro (individual to individual change) and macro
(large societal/structural changes) levels:
Micro Interventions
Macro Interventions
It is important to understand that sexual violence is a
predictable consequence of a violent masculinity-based rape culture. Through this lens, sexual violence is
seen as a continuum of behaviors instead of an isolated, deviant act. However,
such sexual violence is not inevitable, and can be prevented by making
significant changes to societal norms regarding sexuality, violence, gender,
and oppression (Hooks, 1989). It’s obvious that there is not simple answer to the question
of “How do you prevent sexual violence in a relationship?” Major societal changes are needed when
sexual violence against women and aggressive forms of masculinity are the
norm. However, at the individual
level there are things that you can do to protect yourself from being sexually
assaulted/raped by an acquaintance or intimate partner (Advocates for Youth,
2011).
The following are some of the things that you can do to help
prevent date rape and sexual violence within your relationships:
In truth, all victims of abuse should know that whether they
have carefully avoided potentially dangerous situations or not, whether the
abuse is sexual, physical or psychological, whether it is committed by an
acquaintance or a stranger, that they are NEVER the cause of that abuse!
Above all, open communication with one’s romantic partners, coupled with
an awareness of the warning signs of potential abusive relationships, will help
increase your safety and lessen the likelihood that you’ll become a victim of
sexual and/or intimate partner violence.
References
Advocates for Youth (2011). Sexual Violence: Rape and Date Rape. A lesson plan from
Life planning education: A youth development program. Retrieved from:
http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/for-professionals/lesson-plans-professionals/198?task=view
American College Health Association (2008). Shifting the paradigm: Primary prevention of sexual violence. Linthicum, MD: American College Health Association Publications.
Bancroft, L. (2003). Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. New York, NY: The Berkley
Publishing Group. Buchwald, E. et. al. (1993). Transforming a rape culture.Minneapolis, MN: Milkweed
Editions. Hooks, B. (1989). Talking back: Thinking feminist, thinking black. Boston, MA: South End Press.
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